doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

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I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.


[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.


[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂


At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…


I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”J0hnnyBlaze”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3031129469/e6b90560ea56fb150f5a77fe8c7a14cc_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”336301334074638336″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful


Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked


Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.