I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
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*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
No officer I didn’t mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.