@FredTaming

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

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@ewfeez

I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up

@hippieswordfish

*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’

@abuya_henry

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

@DeadLioness

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

@3sunzzz

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

@StarrsWar

No officer I didn’t mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.

@kibblesmith

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

@HeyZeus666

My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

@TheAlexNevil

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.