@FredTaming

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

You Might Also Like

@knot_eye

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

@junejuly12

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

@Mom_Overboard

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

@daplusk

I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”J0hnnyBlaze”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3031129469/e6b90560ea56fb150f5a77fe8c7a14cc_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”336301334074638336″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@pilau

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

@brandonIee

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

@BBQJones28

Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.