I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
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Me: you have a good head on your shoulders
Neck: ok wow, i’m like right here
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?