@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

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@FredTaming

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

@weinerdog4life

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

@yonewt

God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.

@karencreets

Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not

@RichyCraven

In fairness to Jesus, “One of you will betray me” is a great dinner party conversation opener.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

@karanbirtinna

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.