Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
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It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
He a real one for that
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.