me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
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Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.
Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not
In fairness to Jesus, “One of you will betray me” is a great dinner party conversation opener.
Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.