@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

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@RYGdance

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

@fro_vo

Me: you have a good head on your shoulders
Neck: ok wow, i’m like right here

@ShortSleeveSuit

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

@ddsmidt

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

@SaraESpivey

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

@meganamram

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

@3sunzzz

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?