Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
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I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.