doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW