doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
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People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
it be like that
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.