I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
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me refusing to leave twitter
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Every work call, he judges.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food