“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.