Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.