“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…