DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
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Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are