@LaziestCanine

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

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@NateMorrising

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

@Chumpstring

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

@The_Whip_Hand

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

@solsayswhaaa

The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.

@Smooheed

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

@Staggfilms

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

@dave_cactus

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

@thepunningman

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

@blade_funner

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

@skittle624

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.