*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.