@carlyken

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

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@Jack_Wagon1

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

@ibid78

When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.

@andylassner

If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.

@AmishPornStar1

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

@TheRolo

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

@SuperDuperDook

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

@LizHackett

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

@GorillaNipples1

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*