Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
You deplete me
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.