DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
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me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Cake safety first. Always.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
#Caturday
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.