DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex