I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*