@daemonic3

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

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@Darlainky

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

@hbombmom

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

@robdelaney

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

@online_rat

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

@OlBigBear

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

@_alexwray

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

@envydatropic

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*