Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
📽️movie date🎞️
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
The first one, obviously
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.