Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.