life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?