doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.