Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?