Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
what
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.