Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
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[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.