doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922