Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
*eats entire box of Triscuits*
*poops out a wicker chaise lounge*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic