Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
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First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?