@_mindflakes

Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds

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@dafloydsta

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

@DanMentos

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

@MythicPicnic

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@JackalAnon

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

@BDGarp

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.