HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.