Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
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Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.