DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
A couple who are silly together stay together.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
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