Marijuana may cause paranoia but so does watching CNN.
Doctor: “Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!”
Kate: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doctor: “No. You have a tapeworm.”
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
all i wanna do is
find the safety on this gun
I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.
Teenagers are just human karma.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.