Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Can’t stop laughing
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.