doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
You Might Also Like
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.