doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My Plans 2020
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Happy Caturday!
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”