doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?


How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.


Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely


you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.


Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?


*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*


{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.