If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.