@fanofhell

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

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@CYComedy

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

@amydillon

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

@ArfMeasures

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

@fowlerism

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

@Jason_Horton

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

@3sunzzz

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

@skickwriter

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

@ClichedOut

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

@sofarrsogud

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

@KentWGraham

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.