doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

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[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then


if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you


I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn’t get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.


Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol



Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then


*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*


7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.


This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread


[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule