doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
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[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky