doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

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sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you


She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.


“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…


(Summer 2015)


They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd


[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast


My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks


Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?


[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]


“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,


[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy