@pilau

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

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@IndecisiveJones

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.

@UncleDuke1969

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

@SeanEmeny

They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd

@Reverend_Scott

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

@gabemakesmusic

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

@hazelmotes1

Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?

@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

@Genevieve0404

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

@david8hughes

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy