doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe