DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.