@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

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@Fickle_Filly

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

@whitehousenow

everything’s cool but does anyone have the phone number of that witch that brought Jon Snow back to life?

@MarfSalvador

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

@TheOldFolksHome

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

@behindyourback

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

@everywhereist

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

@UncleDuke1969

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

@conanobrienswyf

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.