@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

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@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

@sannewman

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

@ninatreemonkey

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

@dubstep4dads

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

@SSDated

You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.

@bobvulfov

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property