@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

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@SamuelHLowe

– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.

@badbanana

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

@WetzelGeek

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

@TheHyyyype

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

@jackiembouvier

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

@JohnLyonTweets

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.