Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
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I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property