– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
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HARRY POTTER: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[Movie pitch in Hollywood]
A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.