DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
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I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
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