doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place