@ArfMeasures

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

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@misfarber

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

@Darlainky

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

@AskAuntieEm1

Answer your phone, “come in” just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.

@dafloydsta

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

@CallousBalzac

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

@BenjyHimmel

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

@panmidwest

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

@ColIegeStudent

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

@Writepop

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.