An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
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@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?