I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
And bowling should be called pinball