alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
iPhone X
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.