The Joker was right
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A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*