Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.