Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.