@UnFitz

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

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@daemonic3

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

@pilau

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

@bornmiserable

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@Jandalize

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

@TheMichaelRock

Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

@AristotlesNZ

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…