Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

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Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”


“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now


blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.


Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.


I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.


Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.


Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…