Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
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I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me: Did you hear what I just said?
Me: What did I say?
Him: Did you hear what I just said
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
Alright ok fine
me: i’d like to make a complaint
optometrist: what is it?
me: the surgery i just had
me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t