INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
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*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.