@SimplySnaccbar

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

You Might Also Like

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

@sweet_pea707

Me: Did you hear what I just said?

Him: Yes

Me: What did I say?

Him: Did you hear what I just said

@lisaxy424

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

@RobocopLust

A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom

@PhilJamesson

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

@ElliotHetherton

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

@dumbbeezie

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

@matt___nelson

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

@PoshTick

me: i’d like to make a complaint

optometrist: what is it?

me: the surgery i just had

optometrist: and?

me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t