[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
You Might Also Like
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.