Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
guilty
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶