told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Introverted vegans go meetless
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!