doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently