I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”