@GoodZiIIa

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

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@josePhDhoran

I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!

@weinerdog4life

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

@iAmDelFreaky

I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.

@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

@loudmouth_usa

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

@ruinedpicnic

[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid

@HomeProbably

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”